PEDs For Stretching!?

We have a running joke in my family and with some other lifting buddies. Protein shakes are called 'BALCO shakes' and pre-workout concoctions are called 'Lance'. That's how crazy we get with the PEDs. Not very. That said, I'm doing what I can to make things easier for myself as I pursue my challenges. But my current challenge involves stretching, so what could I possibly use to enhance my performance? You'd be surprised. Here's the cocktail.

1.) A hot shower.

Yup. It could be as easy as that. I took a hot shower right before my second measurement and gained some inches. This came about after I read a story about pitcher Daniel Norris incorporating a hot shower into his warmup routine. If it's good enough for the pros and damn near free, why not loosen things up the easiest possible way? I mean, I was going to take a shower eventually anyway. 

2.) Magnesium

Magnesium is a know muscle relaxant and common deficiency among athletes. In fact, after vitamin D3, it's the most common deficiency in the developed world. Specifically, the one time I got blood work done through SpectraCell, Mg was one of my deficiencies. So I supplement. There's an easy way to know whether you're ODing on magnesium: you shit yourself. I've never gotten to this point, so maybe I still need more. It also helps me get to sleep if I take it near bed time, but then I get crazy vivid dreams, which I don't always like. As with everything, I'm no doctor; your mileage may vary. 

3.) Massage

One of my Christmas gifts this year involved an hour and a half massage plus two hours of sauna time. Fuckin' eh. That was great. Best gift ever. I don't care if it has nothing to do with stretching, I'm going to have to treat myself to that again. I should have retested immediately after the massage, I might have won right then. Little creaks I have in my knee, elbow and neck disappeared for weeks.

4.) Cannabis

It's legal where I live. Most of what I do is topical and from plants that I grew myself. I've never done this directly before stretching, but I often use it to help me sleep at night. Again, that dodgy elbow, neck and knee pain. This time the pain is usually back again the next day. I need to change my texting stance, that hurts my elbow more than anything.

5.) Fish oils

I take this stuff on the daily. First off, I start every day with Omega-3-enhanced eggs. Then I hit myself over the head with either a bunch of pills or spoons full of oil. I aim for a combo of up to five grams. 

That's it. Seriously. If you know of any good stuff for me to use on this quest, drop a suggestion in the comments. I've experimented with things like cissus quadrangularis in the past, but it's more expensive than the benefits it provides, in my experience. I've got some different collagen protein powders that I haven't really fucked with yet. At least not consistently enough to feel much of anything. The next big thing might be to stack four scoops of Lance with four Advils and hit the stretching sessions all Beast Mode. Go hard or go home, right?

Three Weeks' Progress

I took some measurements today and contrary to Mr. Six Months' hypothesis, I've made some great gains in the flexibility department in three weeks. My over/under is down from four inches to just one-and-a-half. More importantly, I don't feel like I'm playing a prank on my girlfriend, who is doing the measuring. The first time we measured, I felt like my left arm was locked into place. You know, sometimes you feel like you can reach harder and you're almost there. Not me. I felt like I was frozen in carbonite. In the other direction, I have a solid three-knuckle overlap. There's a joke in there somewhere. Go for it in the comments.

Now on to the sit-n-reach. It's still feeling more like the hunch-n-groan, but I've managed to decrease my deficit from six-n-half inches to four-n-heif. Progress. Still straining. Maybe I should call this the 'indy stiffy' stretch for extra motivation. ('Indy Stiffy' also doesn't have a lewd Urban Dictionary deffinition. I might have to get on that.) Tomorrow, a word on the rampant performance enhancing drug use going on in this competition. With myself.

Stretch Arm Strong

I pretty much bit on the first stretching program that came along. It is the Gymnastic Bodies Stretch series. This program consists of three modules: Front Split (hamstrings), Bridge (shoulders) and Side Split (abductors). Each is about 40 minutes long and designed to be performed after a workout once per week.

Now let's get one thing straight, I hate stretching. I've never stretched for 40 minutes at a clip ever in my life. But, that's how I got to where I am. Something's gotta change. Hence my current status. The new Yak will tolerate stretching. For 40 minutes. Once for shoulders and once for hammies. In addition, I'm thoroughly warming up those two regions before all other workouts.

The coach of this program says to expect to see results in six to twelve months. Yeah. I think I can do better. (The coach also calls the ladies in the stretching video 'sweetie' and the guy 'big man' [On occasion, he'll also use their first names.]) I've got some serious room to grow. I can't even get into some of the positions they hold for two minutes. Seriously. Standing one-leg pike stretch!? No idea. Fold one leg behind you, press it to a wall and lean toward the other leg. Try not to fall on your head. I dare you. Send me videos/pictures/x-rays, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Anyway, I'm in this thing. I'm going to stick with it until I can do the splits like Van Damme. Or at least until I can do a mean indy stiffy.

New Year, New Yak

Well holy shit. Here goes nada. I've never really made New Year's Resolutions, so I figure I'm about ready to start. This year I'm brainstorming some physical feats that are resolution-worthy, in addition to this writing feat which is part of the game. The writing goal is to write every day. The physical goals will change about every month. I have a rough list that I don't need to share just yet, but the first goal is well underway.

#1) The sit-and-reach and the swimmers' grip

The sit-and-reach (SnR) is one of the tests from the Presidential Physical Fitness Challenge from when I was in grade school. I've never been any good at it. Some months back my brother, we'll call him Mule, and I attempted to beat that challenge at the fifth-grade level. We called it Are You Fitter Than a Fifth Grader. The short version of the story ends with us toasting every test except the sit-n-reach (and the mile run for me). We both failed miserably at the SnR. The Mule was an astounding 13 inches away from the goal, making my 5.5-inch deficit look minuscule by comparison. For the record, I'm used to looking minuscule by comparison.

Anyway, my first goal is to touch my heels from a seated position with my feet roughly a foot apart and my legs straight. On my first attempt in January, I was 6.5 inches from the wall, with the wall being the '0' on the tape measure. I've got some work to do.

The swimmers' grip is not a sex move. That I know of. A quick check of Urban Dictionary yields no results. The swimmers' grip is a test of shoulder flexibility. You take one hand and reach over your head and down your spine while simultaneously taking the other hand and reach behind your back and up your spine. One hand reaching down, one reaching up, you try to clasp hands. Surprisingly I can do this with my right hand over and left under. I have enough overlap that the resultant grip could save a falling Harrison Ford in Blade Runner. The other way is not there yet. In fact, like a shy kid at a middle school dance, it's four inches from touching.

So that's where I'm at. More on the method to the meathead tomorrow.